Learning To Live Again
by JackiLeigh
Summary: Dean is back from hell, rescued by Castiel's hand. He needs Sam's help. But he can't tell Sam about what he's done. An angsty bromance, NO SLASH. Rated for a few curse words.
1. Chapter 1

LEARNING TO LIVE AGAIN

AN: Dean has returned from Hell. I was inspired by reading _A Piece Missing_ by **Celinenaville.** Thanks for writing such an amazing story. I am looking forward to see where you're going with it. The title is inspired by a Garth Brooks' song of the same name. The song is about dating again, for the first time, after a divorce or a heavy breakup. I thought the title described Dean's situation. I thought that these few lines worked the best.

 _I'm gonna smile my best smile_

 _And I'm gonna laugh, like it's going out of style_

 _Look into your eyes and pray, that you can't see_

 _That this learning to live again, is killing me._

Dean was back, well physically he was back. Emotionally he was still in the pit. The nightmares, the night sweats, the drinking. His mind was still reliving what his body had escaped. The only thing that kept things at bay was alcohol. So he drank, a lot, too much. He was…he didn't know why he was topside. He had no idea how he got out of the pit. And he had no idea who had gotten him out. The hand mark on his shoulder told him that it was somebody special. He just had no idea who.

But still, it had taken awhile for Sam to convince Dean that he had no part in getting him out. The younger Winchester had made no deals, insisting to Dean that no demon would deal. And after a while, Dean believed him. The brothers soon found out the demons were running scared. They had no idea what had gotten Dean out and it had freaked the hell out of them, no pun intended.

For Dean, the night terrors were the worst. It was always the same. He would snap awake and bolt straight up in bed, a scream dying on his lips. His body would be soaked in sweat, and he would be trembling from the remainders of the nightmare he had just had. And Sam…Sam would always be there, with his big green eyes, full of concern, ready to help. And for that Dean was very grateful, more than he could ever say.

Sam had noticed a change in his brother also. His normally brooding brother, brooded even more. And he seemed to always be drinking. Both of them drink, true. But it was never to excess, never to the point where they lost control. It was…it was not smart. They needed to be on guard pretty much all the time, against supernatural threats, but, a lot of time, against human threats as well.

Dean would find himself staring into the bathroom mirror, just staring for long periods of time after he had taken a shower. He looked at the mark on his shoulder, and he marveled at the fact that his body was not scared. Dean remembered the beatings and the tortures he had received. And he was amazed at the fact that his body showed no signs.

Dean was keeping a huge secret from his brother, from everybody. He had not been able to talk about it in the months that he had been back. He didn't know if he would ever be able talk about it. But the weight of what he had done, how he had been broken made him feel like the lowest, most worthless human being on Earth.

Dean picked up the bottle, again. He took a long swig. He put the bottle down when he noticed his brother, with his big, concerned eyes, staring at him.

"What?" Dean asked, in a tone he had not meant to use.

Sam just shook his head. He knew his brother's tones and moods. This was not the time to try to talk to him, about anything.

"What?" Dean asked, again, in a tone not as harsh.

Sam just shook his head again.

Dean huffed out a breath. "I'm drinking too much, and I'm being an ass! Does that about cover it?"

Sam surprised Dean. He crossed the room in two strides and pulled his brother into a hug. He stepped back before Dean could push him away. But not before he whispered. "Tell me, whatever it is. Please?"

Dean hadn't pushed his brother away this time. He had actually missed the human contact, more than he realized. Nobody hugged him in hell that was for damned sure. The only real human contact he had gotten, since he had been back, had been one-night stands. And aside from the physical pleasure, they had not been terribly satisfying.

Dean Winchester was not a man to admit weakness, especially to Sam. And he was probably the one person who could help him most. But Sam couldn't know that person that Dean had become in the pit. He couldn't know that Dean had been broken. He couldn't know that Dean had, himself, after what seemed like years of being tortured and standing strong finally gave in. Sam couldn't know that Dean had tortured souls like he had been tortured and that he had liked it. His little brother could never know that Dean had enjoyed inflicting pain on those poor people. Dean couldn't tell him that he had lost what made him human. He had lost what had made him Dean Winchester. And, in all honesty, he was not sure that he even deserved to have it back.

Maybe he deserved to walk through this life as a self-loathing empty shell. Maybe that was all he could or should expect, after what he had done.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Dean hated the looks that Sam gave him when Dean had refused to open up to him, when he obviously changed the subject or when he just put on his sunglasses and turned his attention to the road.

But Sam had not been blameless in all this, while Dean had been gone; Sam had been cohorting with a demon. Dean had had the chance to shoot Ruby, and Sam had stepped in and had actually stopped his brother from shooting her. Dean was in disbelief. He could not believe his brother had chosen to trust a demon, and he apparently had been trusting her, for a while. And now that since Dean's been back he discovered the Sam's relationship with this demon had continued. It made him angry. He knew his little brother, Sam Winchester the hunter, was smarter than that. What, in the world, kind of hold did the bitch have over him?

"She's lying, Sammy?" Dean told his little brother, for what felt like the hundredth time.

"Don't call me that! And you don't know everything." Sam retorted.

"I never claimed to know everything, Sammy. I never did." Dean challenged him. "But I do know one thing, one tried and true principle in all this. Demons, and I mean ALL demons, are lying bitches!"

Sam stood. "Ruby is…."

Sam was going to say 'not lying to me.' But Dean didn't let him finish.

"She's lying, little bro. She has an end game." Dean insisted. "She's…."

"She's helping me…." Sam stated. He grabbed his jacket and started out the door.

"Go see your demon bitch!" Dean retorted.

Sam turned and punched Dean in the face. The elder Winchester staggered back a little in surprise, but quickly recovered. He could not believe Sam had hit him over a demon. The fight was on. The brothers exchanged punches as they destroyed the motel room that they were staying in. They broke the box springs on one of the beds as Sam threw Dean onto the bed and then landed on top of him, still punching away. Dean managed to get away from his brother. He rolled off the bed and onto the carpet, leaving a blood stain where he had landed. His nose was bleeding and he had a gash in his head just above his left eyebrow. Dean stood and wiped the blood out of his eyes, flinging the specks onto the drapes, the bedspread and the floor. He had not been standing long when Sam came after his again. This time the younger Winchester shoved him, hard. Dean was off his feet in a second. He hit his head on the edge of the table in their little kitchenette. The elder Winchester then lay still, unconscious, on the floor.

Sam had not meant to hurt Dean, not like that. He waited for just a moment or two for Dean to show any signs of coming to. But when he didn't, Sam grabbed his jacket and left anyway. He was much too angry to deal with the elder Winchester at this point. Sam headed out in the Impala to find Ruby. But Ruby had surprised him. She had told him to go back and to make up with his brother. Ruby had an ulterior motive. What she needed Sam for, the time was almost right. But as strong as Sam was, physically and mentally, he was that much stronger with Dean by his side. She needed both brothers for her plan to work.

Sam headed back to the hotel. He entered the room fully expecting to see Dean, sitting on the bed brooding and pissed over the fact that he had taken his baby. He knew Dean would be over-the-top angry about that. And even angrier when he found out where Sam had gone. But, when Sam opened the door, he didn't see Dean sitting on the bed, nursing his injuries, pissed and ready to argue again. He didn't hear the elder Winchester's voice; he didn't hear the shower running. He heard nothing, he looked over to where Dean had been lying and to Sam's surprise, and he was still lying there. It didn't look like he had moved. The blood had stopped flowing and was beginning to dry on Dean's face.

Sam leaned down beside his brother. He put his hand to the older man's neck to check for a pulse. He then laid his hand on Dean's chest, to feel that he was breathing. The blood around his brother's nose and mouth had Sam concerned. But he was relieved to find a good pulse and regular breathing.

"Dean?" Sam said, touching his brother's face. Dean didn't move. He was completely unresponsive. Sam stood up; he looked down at his brother one more time before he went into the bathroom. He returned a few moments later with a few wet washrags and a couple of towels. He then sat down on the floor beside his brother and began to carefully clean the blood from Dean's face and hair. The elder Winchester still did not respond.

Sam needed to check his brother out and see what his other injuries were. He stood up then stooped down to pick Dean up and carry him. Dean, had he been awake, would have balked at being carried anywhere, much less being carried around like he was a 'damsel in distress.' But Sam didn't care. He lay the elder Winchester carefully on his bed. The younger Winchester then set about dressing Dean's wounds. Sam stitched and dressed the cut on Dean's forehead. He then checked the older Winchesters chest and back for cuts and bruises. He saw the beginnings of what were going to be some very painful, very angry bruises. He iced the bruises, as best he could.

Sam was concerned Dean was not waking up, especially while Sam had been working on him. The younger hunter was freaking out because, whatever was going on right now, it was his fault. He had gotten angry and left. And he had been gone an hour. It didn't seem like a long time. But in Dean's current condition, it could mean that the elder hunter might not wake up again.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Sam sat down on the other bed. He had felt a knot on the back of his brother's head. He wanted to call 9-1-1, but he knew that that could not be an option. Not at this time. They had been on the local news, just a few days back blamed for the latest murders. Just because they had been seen in town around the same time the murders had occurred. They had come to this place, this out-of-the-way motel, to lay low for a while. They had had nothing to do with the murders, but the thing that they had been hunting did. So, they killed the monster and removed the threat. But, of course, the news media could not and would not report that.

So Sam sat and waited. He paced the floor and waited. He was starving, but he had waited on that, too. He just knew Dean would wake up in the time it took him to run and get their order. He finally had to give in; his stomach was practically talking to him. Sam returned about 15 minutes later. The younger hunter panicked when he found Dean's bed empty. He heard retching in the bathroom. He dropped the bags of food on the bed.

"Dean!" Sam called to his brother as he hurried to see what was going on.

Sam knelt down beside Dean who was kneeling on the floor, throwing up in the toilet. Sam had no idea how Dean had made it to the bathroom, at all. His color was horrible, and he looked like he was ready to pass out. Sam put his hand to the nape of his brother's neck to provide a little comfort. He was also ready to grab Dean's shoulders and pull him back so he wouldn't take a header into the toilet.

Dean was too busy being sick and hurting to even know his brother was there. He had woken up with a killer headache and a strong urge to empty his stomach of all its contents. He could not find the trashcan, so he decided to take his chances. He managed to stumble into the bathroom and fall to his knees in front of the toilet. His chest was burning from his repeated dry heaving and from the bruising he had gotten from Sam a few hours earlier. Sam pulled Dean back against him when he saw the elder Winchester's head drop forward, and felt his body go limp. Dean had passed out from exhaustion.

Sam again carried his brother to his bed. He placed the trashcan close. And he took advantage of the fact that Dean was unconscious to really look at the older man's wounds again, since the bruising had now shown up. He also checked out his previous stitch work and bandaging. Everything still looked good. Dean hadn't pulled anything out of place with his moving around and his dry heaving.

Sam sat down on his own bed. Then he remembered the food he had brought. He ate while he waited for Dean to wake up. He put Dean's food in the fridge for him to eat later.

Dean opened his eyes just a few moments later. Sam helped him to sit up and gave him a little water. Dean took the water gratefully. His throat was parched, and he had an acidic taste in his mouth. He leaned back against his brother, exhausted, grateful Sam was there. He closed his eyes again as his breathing evened out.

"Dean!" Sam panicked when Dean closed his eyes. He was very afraid his brother had passed out again.

Dean opened his eyes. He patted Sam's forearm, reassuringly. "Okay…Sammy." He closed his eyes again. "Head hurts, sore…need to sleep."

"No, Dean." Sam said, shaking his brother gently to get him to open his eyes. "That wouldn't be a good idea right now."

Dean looked at his little brother. He didn't get what the big deal was, then he remembered…their fight. He had fallen backwards, and his head hit the edge of the metal dining table, hard. It had knocked him out, instantly. But he had come to a few minutes later, after Sam had left. The elder Winchester had looked around the room. But nobody was there, and there were no sounds coming from the bathroom. Sam had left him, his anger flared before the pain took over and he passed out.

Dean rolled onto his side so that he was lying on the bed with his back to his brother. "You left me!"

"What?" Sam asked as he stood up.

Dean rolled over and looked at Sam. "You left me! You left me," He hissed out. ", in my car! And you went to see that bitch!"

Sam started to shake his head. "No, Dean."

"I woke up and you weren't here." Dean informed him. "I was alone. What the hell, Sam?" He was getting more and more angry. "You chose that bitch over me, yet again!" He was going to say more, but he moved the wrong way. He groaned as he pressed his hand to his bruised ribs. He glared at Sam.

"Dean, I…." Sam started.

Dean took a moment and breathed through the pain before he spoke. "What is this…hold she has on you?"

"She saved my life." Sam stated.

Dean opened his mouth. But he couldn't find any words for a moment. "What?"

Sam took a deep breath and plunged into his story, going into far too much detail at some points. Dean took a moment to speak when Sam paused.

"Too much information, Dude!" Dean told him, a nauseated look on his face. "Just way, way…way too much information."

Sam continued on with his story, trying to make Dean understand. And the elder Winchester did, in a way. He understood the need to repay a debt you feel you owe. But the whole demon thing, that still was not something he could really wrap his mind around.

"I…I get you were alone. But…but Ruby, Dude…anybody else, go to a bar and get a drunk chick. Anything…."

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"This stuff she's teaching you…you're learning to exorcise demons?"

Sam nodded.

"Why would she want to exorcise her own kind?' Dean asked. "That couldn't make her popular in hell."

"Probably not." Sam agreed.

"So, what Sam? She has to go home sometimes." Dean replied. "The way they act topside. Hell's just…you have no idea."

"She says she was human once. She remembers. She's not like the rest." Sam said, trying to convince Dean.

"I hope you're right, Sam. I just…I really am." Dean stated. "But…."

"Yeah, I know Dean…an endgame. But if she had one, I just…I don't know what it is." Sam admitted. "And she's…she's teaching me so much."

"You know what Cas said about that, Sam." The elder Winchester replied. "I told you his warning."

"He could be wrong."

"He could." Dean admitted. "But, he's usually not, not with us."

"What I'm doing, it's a good thing. How can it…?" Sam shook his head.

"Look, Dude…don't know, I need sleep." Dean said. He yawned and closed his eyes. He was snoring softly 5 minutes later.

Sam shook his head. He knew Dean was having a hard time being back. He could not imagine the things Dean had experienced. He couldn't even wrap his mind around it. But he was…this was good. What he was doing was helping. Making it much, much easier to exorcise, and even better, the possessed usually survived. Before, their track record had been zero. They had had to kill the person to stop the demon. Or if they did manage to get the demon out, the person was too damaged to live and ended up dying anyway.

Dean still had his nightmares. He would wake up, a scream dying on his lips and his clothes soaked with sweat and clinging to him. He sat up quickly. He looked around the room, realizing that he was in a motel room with his now, wide awake, brother. He pulled his shirt away from his body and got up and headed to the bathroom. He stood and looked at himself in the mirror. He considered a shower. But in his experience, this would not be his only nightmare tonight. He sometimes had as many as 4 in one night. The elder Winchester stared at himself in the mirror for a long moment. He then splashed water on his face and returned to bed.

"You okay?" Sam asked as soon as Dean immerged from the bathroom.

"Yeah, Sammy." Dean said as he got back into bed. "Sorry."

"'kay, get some sleep." Sam said yawning.

Dean nodded as he made himself comfortable. He didn't fall asleep immediately. He was afraid to sleep. But Sam didn't know that. Nobody did. It sounded silly. But he…the dreams he had were so real, so terrifying, and it always took him a few minutes to come back to reality. It took time for him to realize he wasn't actually still in Hell. He wasn't still in pain, and he wasn't still causing pain. But the lessons were slow to be learned and Dean still felt like, at times, that he was in limbo. It was almost like he had forgotten how it felt to be human. He had forgotten how to feel and express his emotions. He wasn't sure how to act in certain situations, it seemed. He was more detached than he wanted to be. It wasn't that he couldn't feel, he just didn't know how to feel. He had heard his torture victims in hell tell him their stories, trying to get sympathy. And Dean had heard the words, but it has stopped right there. They had not reached his heart, his soul. The words had not reached the part of him that made him Dean Winchester, the guy who hunted monsters and saved people. When Dean first returned he wasn't not sure if that person had been destroyed, or if he was just dead and buried. The older hunter was terrified to think that this shell of a person who looked like Dean Winchester and, most of the time, acted like Dean Winchester, may never actually recover whatever it was that it meant to BE Dean Winchester.

Dean looked over at his brother. Sam was asleep, so Dean threw the covers back and got up out of the bed. He knew he wouldn't disturb his brother this time. He quietly put on his shoes and pulled his jacket on over the T-shirt and Pajama pants he was wearing. He grabbed his keys and slipped out of the room as quietly as he could.

Dean just sat in the Impala for a little while with the door open. The night was cool and there was a slight breeze. It felt good on his damp, warm skin. He started the car finally and left the parking lot. Dean didn't have a destination in mind. He just wanted to drive. He needed time and space to think. And he seemed to do that the best behind the wheel of his baby, out on the open road.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Dean returned to the room almost two hours later. Dean took off his coat and shoes and slipped back into his bed. He was so tired that he actually had no more dreams that night. He woke up just as Sam was exiting the bathroom. He rolled over in the bed; surprised he had not been jarred awake during the night. He sat up on the edge of the bed and ran his hand over his face, and then through his hair. He headed for the shower. Dean had discovered the secret to it all. He just had to make himself so tired he fell into an exhausted sleep. That was the key to no more nightmares.

"Dean, you can't keep this up." Sam said. He had been watching Dean, and his older brother had not slept in two days. He was tired, really tired, the younger man could tell.

But Dean was not going to go to sleep, he decided, until he could do it and not have the nightmares he had had since he'd been back. He had done research. He had drank, anything he could do to keep himself occupied so that thoughts of sleep and more importantly, the hellish nightmares, stayed far, far away.

"'os'kay." Dean replied slurring his words.

Sam went over to his brother and took his arm when it looked like he was going to fall.

Dean jerked his arm away and shot his brother an evil eye. "'m f…fine."

"You're acting worse than you do when you're 'fall-down' drunk." Sam stated.

Dean didn't reply.

"You need to sleep, Dean." Sam said, taking Dean's arm again when he swayed a little on his feet.

Dean shook his head. "Can't. No."

Sam guided him over to one of the beds and then sat down opposite him on the other. "What? Why? What's going on with you?"

Dean put his hand in his hands. He was so tired it was hard to think clearly. He wanted nothing more than to lie down and close his eyes. But he wouldn't rest, he would dream and he would wake up screaming, terrified that the horrible scenes, replaying themselves in his mind, were real.

"Nightmares, Sammy." Dean admitted looking up at his brother with tears in his eyes. "Horrible, horrible images of blood…death. Over and over again, but somehow, each time, just a little, tiny bit worse." He wiped his tears with the palms of his hands.

"Dean, I…why didn't you tell me?" Sam asked.

"What could you have done?" Dean asked. "What?"

Sam shook his head. There was nothing he could have done about that dreams. That was true. But at least he would have known what was going in his pain-in-the ass brother's thick head.

"I…what I did, who I became." Dean looked at his brother, his eyes still wet. "I don't know how to be Dean Winchester." He had not told Sam about what he had done to the other souls. He had not told Sam that when he got down off the rack, he started doing to others exactly what had been done to him. He was so mortified and horrified at it all; he bowed his head as new tears began to flow.

"You can talk to me, Dean. You…you can tell me anything." Sam implored him. "I won't judge you." He paused. "What happened?"

Dean looked his brother in the eye. He was considering what Sam said. He was not, at all, sure he was ready to tell Sam what he had done, who he had become. Dean didn't want Sam to think any less of him. Sam had always thought he was something of a hero. He couldn't stand it if Sam saw how weak and vulnerable he really was. He had not held out very long in hell. He had been so tired of being hurt, so tired of being torn apart, literally. He would then be made whole, only to be torn apart again. The pain, the agony, never ended. He just couldn't take it anymore. The elder Winchester gave in. He gave in and became the very thing he detested. And God help him, he had been very, very good at it.

Dean told him, horrific details, all of it. And his brother looked at him for a moment. The younger man didn't blame his brother for what he had done. How could he? Sam had no clue what he would have done in the same situation. When Dean was finished, he wiped his eyes again. He tried to stand, but he was so tired, exhausted that he passed out. Sam caught his brother before he hit the floor. The younger Winchester managed to get Dean onto the bed and tried to get him as comfortable as possible. He then made himself comfortable. He wanted to make sure he was right there whenever Dean woke up, especially if he had his horrible nightmares again.

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Dean woke up a little disoriented. It had been 14 hours since he had passed out from exhaustion. He remembered. He had told Sam everything. But Sam had not said anything. And now…he had had all this time to think about things. What conclusions had he come to?

Dean looked at Sam. He had fallen asleep on the bed beside him. The younger Winchester was sitting with his back against the headboard and his legs stretched out and crossed in front of him. The elder Winchester couldn't help but smile. He used to sit with Sam like that, a lot, when he had nightmares as a kid. Just knowing Dean was close seemed to bring Sam comfort. Dean closed his eyes again as Sam moved on the bed.

Sam immediately looked down at Dean, seeing that he was still asleep the younger Winchester eased up off the bed. He went to the bathroom and washed up. He then stuck the left over pizza, he had ordered while Dean slept, into the microwave to warm. He grabbed a beer from the fridge and popped the cap.

"Thanks, Sammy." Dean said as he sat up on the edge of the bed.

"No nightmares?" Sam asked, as he took another drink.

"You should know. You were right there." Dean stated, letting the young hunter know that he knew.

Sam smiled, getting Dean's message. He put a couple of slices of pizza on a paper plate and gave them to Dean. He then handed him a beer. Sam brought his own pizza and beer over and sat down on his bed.

"What you did, Dean, it…it doesn't make you any less of a person, any less of a human being. You were faced with two equally heinous choices; torture, or be tortured. I'm not sure I wouldn't have done the same thing."

Dean shook his head. "You're a lot stronger than I am, Sam." He paused. "You broke away from Dad. You did your own thing. That…I could never do that."

Sam grinned. "Don't let it fool you, Dean. People just think I'm strong because I'm so tall."

Dean grinned also as he ate. "Shut up!"

Sam laughed. "We'll go out for pie later, my treat."

THE END

 **END NOTES: I like leaving my stories like this sometimes. It's better to not always tie everything up in a nice pretty bow. Dean still has a little ways to go to get back to 'normal.' But, at least, he knows Sam's right there beside him. (Ahhh, Bromance!) I stole the 'tall' line from an episode of "Reba." Barbara Jean was referring to herself, also. I hope you enjoyed. And I hope you all have a very Happy Easter! JL**


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